Calming Down - sort of
Today J. called me. It was great. I have to
find a way to get him back in my life. He has been thinking of hiking off to
the nearest motel also, but has the same reasons I do for not doing
it.
Yet, I keep thinking and scheming
of a way to make it happen. And the fact that we are no longer teenagers, but
middle aged old fogeys doesn't seem to make any difference.
I think maybe we are too settled in
our lives, after so many years of marriage, and we have the middle age blues,
and find our rekindling of our relationship to be an antidote for that. But as
his wife and my husband have grown older, so have
we.
On the other hand, I don't think I
ever really realized how much in love with me he was, nor how much I loved him.
Our relationship didn't bear the earmarks of love as described by my family. In
my family, love was accompanied by great drama, and Jan and I were not dramatic
at all.
We simply were. So
magnificently suited to each other, we hardly ever fought, and just got along so
well- better than I ever have with any other person, in fact. We were best
friends even more than we were boyfriend and
girlfriend.
He talked about the things
he did (at such a young age) to try to keep the relationship alive after I moved
away. I feel so bad for him, because I really didn't realize how much he was
hurting. The one thing that has really changed a lot about me since I was a
teenager is that I have become much more aware and tuned in to other peoples'
feelings.
Here I was a cold little
bitch to him, and of all the humans I have known, he did not deserve that. It
was inexcusable. I was so lost and so separated at that time from my own
feelings, that it was just about impossible for me to see other peoples'
feelings, and he was hurt in that deep well that I had fallen
into.
There was no room in my life for
my feelings in those years. My parents certainly never had any concern for
them. I think of all the things that were out of kilter about my childhood, the
separation I felt from my feelings was probably the worst, and the most
damaging.
I remember fantasizing about
being able to read minds- primarily because I never had a clue (then) what made
people do the things they were
doing.
So, I returned to my current
favorite fantasy of late. I am in that big City, because my company has sent me
there for training again, and J. meets me there, because he has some business
there, and at that time, we have the chance to be together, and catch up, and so
on.
Of, course, in my fantasy, we are
both in our 30s. Woof.
Posted: Thu - May 1, 2003 at 10:45 PM